When we launch into our wedding preparations, we can immediately come up against confusion and conflict if we haven’t created the right sort of foundation of information.
In other words, some discussions are essential early in the planning process as they form the basis of future preparations.
For instance, looking at a dozen reception venues is a lot of fun - but not a productive use of your time if you don’t know how many people you are planning on inviting!
So here are our top five essential early discussions:
1. Number of Wedding Guests
You and your partner might scoff at this one - of course you are going to have a small intimate ceremony with only your closest friends in attendance! The picture may change, however, when you get your parents involved.
Weddings are one occasion when everyone has a different idea of who are the “essential” invites. You may not even remember Great Aunt Mavis, but the thought of leaving her out of the celebrations may cause your mother to go running for the family photo album.
The best approach is to send everyone away to draw up their lists - and then get ready for some serious negotiation over numbers!
2. Who Pays
Knowing who holds the wallet - and how much is in it - is essential to planning the style and size of your wedding.
A friend of mine recently found out that different countries have different theories on this one. In Australia, for instance, the groom’s parents pay for all of the alcohol at the reception, but this doesn’t apply to all countries - or families for that matter!
This is one discussion that has to be had early - even if you think it is bad manners to talk about money.
One way to do this sensitively is to get both sets of parents together and to tell them how much you and your partner are contributing. Depending on their circumstances, you could ask them to contribute what you think is appropriate or give them a chance to offer what they feel comfortable with.
If you have never discussed money with your parents, sound them out in private first…
3. The Level of Formality
Times are changing, but viewpoints on a great tradition like marriage may be a little slower to adapt.
If you want an informal beach ceremony, but your partner is from a traditional family, you may find that the idea of sand in their champagne doesn’t go down too well.
If you are determined to rock the boat on this one, go into battle armed with some really clear and rational reasons.
Similarly, if your parents have been hoping and praying that you will elope but you’re after a glamorous affair with eight bridesmaids and an aviary of white doves, get this discussion on the table early.
Again, compromise might be the key in this situation.
4. Wedding “Committee” Roles and Responsibilities
Everyone loves a wedding, but just because the magic word is in the air, don’t expect your friends and family to suddenly turn into the perfect planning committee.
Like everything in life, personalities are fairly inflexible. If your sister can’t plan her way out of a car-park, don’t expect her to run around with a clipboard and pager. If your mother had you lined up for live television spots as a toddler, then expect that she will want a fairly hands-on role in your wedding.
The best approach is to work out a list of tasks - there are some great online checklists available - then assign a name to each. Ask each person if they would like to contribute to the planning, but don’t take offense if they don’t feel up to it.
You can always hire a Wedding Planner, after all!
5. Essential Wedding Traditions
Every family accumulates their own traditions and rituals.
Rather than being surprised when everyone on the groom’s side of the church wears red or your grandmother invites you both to tea to discuss fertility issues, get all of the family skeletons out of the closet early in your discussions.
Agree on which rituals have a place in your life - but also be sensitive to the small things that can make a big difference to others.
Remember: If you don’t have the time or confidence to start these conversations, a blog is a great tool to get the ball rolling!
